Yesterday I had a doctor's appointment. Due to my current medical condition, he told me I needed to cease breastfeeding. Unfortunately, one of my prescriptions cannot be taken while breastfeeding. So I said ok. My supply had taken a huge dip anyways, especially after being sick last week. I sort of knew the end was near. But the sudden reality of stopping, just like that, hit me in a way I could have never expected.
Sawyer had actually quit nursing about a month ago, despite my efforts to get her to latch on. But I continued to pump milk for her and most of her bottles were breastmilk. I have been so grateful to have the opportunity to experience breastfeeding my child, to give her that nutrition, to develop that special bond. You see, with my prior 2 babies, I produced not one drop of milk. So I looked upon this as a small miracle that here she was, my last baby, and I had milk to give her. It was such such an empowering feeling. To know that no matter where we were, I could provide nutrition for her.
Now it was time to stop. I went about my afternoon as normal. But in the evening, it hit me so hard. So much emotion. The tears started flowing and didn't stop til well into the night. I packed up all my breastfeeding supplies, tears streaming down my face, no longer able to bear looking at them. I packed away my pump. I sobbed to my husband, who dutifully listened with a sympathetic ear even though he really had no idea what I was going through.
I got all the crying out of my system. Until I saw it. One last lone bottle of breastmilk sitting on the refridgerator shelf. And it sounds so ridiculous to literally be crying over a bottle of milk, but that's what I've been doing. It's still sitting there. I haven't been able to bring myself to give it to her yet. But it's only good until tomorrow. So tomorrow I will find a quiet time. And Sawyer and I will sit down together and celebrate. Celebrate that I was able to give her that nutrition you can only get from breastmilk. Celebrate that we were able to have that special bonding time while she nursed. Celebrate that even though it only lasted 3 months, we both got to experience it.
