Yesterday I had a doctor's appointment. Due to my current medical condition, he told me I needed to cease breastfeeding. Unfortunately, one of my prescriptions cannot be taken while breastfeeding. So I said ok. My supply had taken a huge dip anyways, especially after being sick last week. I sort of knew the end was near. But the sudden reality of stopping, just like that, hit me in a way I could have never expected.
Sawyer had actually quit nursing about a month ago, despite my efforts to get her to latch on. But I continued to pump milk for her and most of her bottles were breastmilk. I have been so grateful to have the opportunity to experience breastfeeding my child, to give her that nutrition, to develop that special bond. You see, with my prior 2 babies, I produced not one drop of milk. So I looked upon this as a small miracle that here she was, my last baby, and I had milk to give her. It was such such an empowering feeling. To know that no matter where we were, I could provide nutrition for her.
Now it was time to stop. I went about my afternoon as normal. But in the evening, it hit me so hard. So much emotion. The tears started flowing and didn't stop til well into the night. I packed up all my breastfeeding supplies, tears streaming down my face, no longer able to bear looking at them. I packed away my pump. I sobbed to my husband, who dutifully listened with a sympathetic ear even though he really had no idea what I was going through.
I got all the crying out of my system. Until I saw it. One last lone bottle of breastmilk sitting on the refridgerator shelf. And it sounds so ridiculous to literally be crying over a bottle of milk, but that's what I've been doing. It's still sitting there. I haven't been able to bring myself to give it to her yet. But it's only good until tomorrow. So tomorrow I will find a quiet time. And Sawyer and I will sit down together and celebrate. Celebrate that I was able to give her that nutrition you can only get from breastmilk. Celebrate that we were able to have that special bonding time while she nursed. Celebrate that even though it only lasted 3 months, we both got to experience it.
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Skeletons
(let me preface this by saying I am not writing this to start a political or religious debate. I am simply sharing my own experience and how it has affected me)
I was 19 years old. I had been clean & sober for maybe 5 or 6 months. I was living on my own. I felt very alone. My decisions up to that point in my life had not been the greatest. But I was trying. I was trying to get my life on track. To pull it back together.
Then "it" happened. I knew I was pregnant almost immediately. I was dizzy and light headed every morning. I was hungry and tired all the time. I took a pregnancy test and my worst fear was confirmed. The father? Well, he was a one night thing. The ONLY one night thing I've ever had in my whole life. When I called and told him, his response was "Why are you telling me?". So here I was, barely able to function on a day to day basis, about to bring a life into this world? I was stunned. I was numb. I didn't know what to do. I had nowhere to turn. I told my mom hoping she would provide some sort of support or guidance. But much to my disappointment, she just said "Let me know what you decide." That was it. I knew I was in no position to raise a child. I was renting a room. I barely had a job. I had little support from my family. The only person I had to talk to was my boss. She was British, very kind but very frank. She told me I should go to Planned Parenthood. So that's what I did.
I took a bus (I didn't have a car). I walked inside, signed my name on the check in sheet, and waited. For what I wasn't sure. I remember them calling my name. I peed in a cup so they could confirm I was pregnant. They called me into a small office. A woman sat behind a desk and she asked me if I had thought about what I wanted to do. I explained my situation to her and she handed me 2 pamphlets: one titled "Abortion: It's Your Choice" and "Adoption: A Different Road". She instructed me to read them and then get back in contact with her when I had made a decision. And that was it.
I look back at that time in my life now and realized how uninformed I was. I had 2 little pamphlets that I was supposed to base the biggest decision so far in my life on. I cried. I cried every day and every night. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. I was terrified. Nobody even told me to see a doctor. I never had a prenatal visit. Maybe things would have been different if I had. My choice may have been different if I had know that baby already had a heartbeat. My choice may have been different if I had known that those soft little flutterings I felt were actually the baby moving. My choice may have been different if I felt like I had a choice.
But I made my decision. The best and only one I felt I could make at the time. I was approximately 14-16 weeks along. My mom agreed to drive me and pick me up, since I was told there would be pain afterwards. She dropped me off in front and left me to deal with it by myself. I slowly walked up to the from of that Planned Parenthood building. I remember the protesters. I remember them yelling at me. "Whore!" "Slut!" "Murderer!" I walked in, head hung low.
I checked in and waited for them to call my name. I don't remember much after that, even though I was awake through the whole thing. I do remember tears silently rolling down my cheeks the whole time. I remember being taken to the recovery room with about 4 or 5 other girls. A nurse came in. She leaned in to me and asked "Do you want to know what it was?" I couldn't catch my breath - I just nodded. "It was a girl", and she walked away. A girl. Was. What had I done? All of a sudden it felt like the world caved in on me. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't open my eyes. I felt like I couldn't live. I just lay there in the recovery room praying it was a bad dream and I would wake up. But after an hour or so, a nurse tapped my shoulder and told me I could go. I gathered myself together and headed outside. I waited on a bench for my mom to pick me up. We said nothing on the ride home. As a matter of fact, my mom has never talked to me about it - to this day.
Time went by. Life went on. But that day never left me. She never left me. I have thought of her often. Wondered what she would look like now. Would she have had my hair? Or my eyes? How old she would be.
Years passed and I married. We tried to have children. We tried. And I lost them. Five times I lost them. Miscarriages. It was heart breaking. My head told me this was my punishment. Punishment for what I had done when I was 19. An insensitive person who knew about it even said "You don't deserve to have children. This is God's way of stopping you". And my faith was lost. Doctors told me I couldn't have children. And deep inside I felt I knew why. I did this to myself. I was being punished. I deserved this.
But as you know, in September of 2008, I became pregnant. And for some reason, it stuck. There was a yolk sac. There was a heart beat. There was a real viable pregnancy. And nine months later, we welcomed our baby boy Parker. Just over a year later, we welcomed a baby girl, Teagan.
I feel so lucky to have 2 beautiful children. But I never forget that one. The one I chose not to have. The one I chose to not let live. I made that decision. I didn't even give her a choice. My heart breaks when I think about it now. Now that I know exactly what I gave up. Now that I know what I missed. I have asked her to forgive me. I have tried to forgive myself. But it's never left me. I don't think it ever will.
I was 19 years old. I had been clean & sober for maybe 5 or 6 months. I was living on my own. I felt very alone. My decisions up to that point in my life had not been the greatest. But I was trying. I was trying to get my life on track. To pull it back together.
Then "it" happened. I knew I was pregnant almost immediately. I was dizzy and light headed every morning. I was hungry and tired all the time. I took a pregnancy test and my worst fear was confirmed. The father? Well, he was a one night thing. The ONLY one night thing I've ever had in my whole life. When I called and told him, his response was "Why are you telling me?". So here I was, barely able to function on a day to day basis, about to bring a life into this world? I was stunned. I was numb. I didn't know what to do. I had nowhere to turn. I told my mom hoping she would provide some sort of support or guidance. But much to my disappointment, she just said "Let me know what you decide." That was it. I knew I was in no position to raise a child. I was renting a room. I barely had a job. I had little support from my family. The only person I had to talk to was my boss. She was British, very kind but very frank. She told me I should go to Planned Parenthood. So that's what I did.
I took a bus (I didn't have a car). I walked inside, signed my name on the check in sheet, and waited. For what I wasn't sure. I remember them calling my name. I peed in a cup so they could confirm I was pregnant. They called me into a small office. A woman sat behind a desk and she asked me if I had thought about what I wanted to do. I explained my situation to her and she handed me 2 pamphlets: one titled "Abortion: It's Your Choice" and "Adoption: A Different Road". She instructed me to read them and then get back in contact with her when I had made a decision. And that was it.
I look back at that time in my life now and realized how uninformed I was. I had 2 little pamphlets that I was supposed to base the biggest decision so far in my life on. I cried. I cried every day and every night. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. I was terrified. Nobody even told me to see a doctor. I never had a prenatal visit. Maybe things would have been different if I had. My choice may have been different if I had know that baby already had a heartbeat. My choice may have been different if I had known that those soft little flutterings I felt were actually the baby moving. My choice may have been different if I felt like I had a choice.
But I made my decision. The best and only one I felt I could make at the time. I was approximately 14-16 weeks along. My mom agreed to drive me and pick me up, since I was told there would be pain afterwards. She dropped me off in front and left me to deal with it by myself. I slowly walked up to the from of that Planned Parenthood building. I remember the protesters. I remember them yelling at me. "Whore!" "Slut!" "Murderer!" I walked in, head hung low.
I checked in and waited for them to call my name. I don't remember much after that, even though I was awake through the whole thing. I do remember tears silently rolling down my cheeks the whole time. I remember being taken to the recovery room with about 4 or 5 other girls. A nurse came in. She leaned in to me and asked "Do you want to know what it was?" I couldn't catch my breath - I just nodded. "It was a girl", and she walked away. A girl. Was. What had I done? All of a sudden it felt like the world caved in on me. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't open my eyes. I felt like I couldn't live. I just lay there in the recovery room praying it was a bad dream and I would wake up. But after an hour or so, a nurse tapped my shoulder and told me I could go. I gathered myself together and headed outside. I waited on a bench for my mom to pick me up. We said nothing on the ride home. As a matter of fact, my mom has never talked to me about it - to this day.
Time went by. Life went on. But that day never left me. She never left me. I have thought of her often. Wondered what she would look like now. Would she have had my hair? Or my eyes? How old she would be.
Years passed and I married. We tried to have children. We tried. And I lost them. Five times I lost them. Miscarriages. It was heart breaking. My head told me this was my punishment. Punishment for what I had done when I was 19. An insensitive person who knew about it even said "You don't deserve to have children. This is God's way of stopping you". And my faith was lost. Doctors told me I couldn't have children. And deep inside I felt I knew why. I did this to myself. I was being punished. I deserved this.
But as you know, in September of 2008, I became pregnant. And for some reason, it stuck. There was a yolk sac. There was a heart beat. There was a real viable pregnancy. And nine months later, we welcomed our baby boy Parker. Just over a year later, we welcomed a baby girl, Teagan.
I feel so lucky to have 2 beautiful children. But I never forget that one. The one I chose not to have. The one I chose to not let live. I made that decision. I didn't even give her a choice. My heart breaks when I think about it now. Now that I know exactly what I gave up. Now that I know what I missed. I have asked her to forgive me. I have tried to forgive myself. But it's never left me. I don't think it ever will.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
The most wonderful time of the year is coming!
Christmas card time! I love it - it's one of my favorite things about the holidays. I love going to the mailbox and seeing the colored envelopes - something besides bills! I especially love the photo cards. I actually keep them all and put them in a book each year.
Shutterfly's card collection this year is amazing. They are so bright and colorful. And I am really excited about their new "story" cards - what a brilliant idea! Check them out here. They allow you to chronicle the most important events of your year on the card. I like it because I miss the traditional old Christmas letters people used to send. What a fun new way to let people know what you've been up to!
My favorite Christmas card we made on Shutterfly. On the cover was a pictrues of my husband and I during our trip to Glacier National Park. Inside we wrote: Admission to Glacier Park $20, Bear Spray $12, Ferry to Trailhead $7, Knowing there are actually 3 people in the picture: priceless! On the back we put an ultrasound picture with the announcement: Baby Jahnke Due 05/09! It was such a fun way to announce our pregnancy and everybody loved it!
If you visit their site, make sure to check out their awesome photo books as well. I have made one of these for each one of our vacations - the quality is outstanding. The smaller books also make a great grandparents gift.
I can't wait to start working on this year's card. I think I'm definately going to do one of the story cards. I really like this one. Thank you Shutterfly for once again coming out with new & unique designs!
Shutterfly's card collection this year is amazing. They are so bright and colorful. And I am really excited about their new "story" cards - what a brilliant idea! Check them out here. They allow you to chronicle the most important events of your year on the card. I like it because I miss the traditional old Christmas letters people used to send. What a fun new way to let people know what you've been up to!
My favorite Christmas card we made on Shutterfly. On the cover was a pictrues of my husband and I during our trip to Glacier National Park. Inside we wrote: Admission to Glacier Park $20, Bear Spray $12, Ferry to Trailhead $7, Knowing there are actually 3 people in the picture: priceless! On the back we put an ultrasound picture with the announcement: Baby Jahnke Due 05/09! It was such a fun way to announce our pregnancy and everybody loved it!
If you visit their site, make sure to check out their awesome photo books as well. I have made one of these for each one of our vacations - the quality is outstanding. The smaller books also make a great grandparents gift.
I can't wait to start working on this year's card. I think I'm definately going to do one of the story cards. I really like this one. Thank you Shutterfly for once again coming out with new & unique designs!
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
If you can't beat 'em, join 'em: waaaaaa waaaaa waaaaa
Today was just one of those days. Whining, crying, tears, shrieks, tantrums, you name it! Parker and Teagan were both fussy all morning, making to sure alternate and take turns crying. So at any given moment there was always one kid crying. I finally got them both down for naps. Teagan woke up in a much better mood. So I took her outside with me and we began the process of decorating our house for Christmas (yes, Christmas). Parker slept another hour and woke up an absolute beast. He decided to attach himself to my leg and follow me around the house that way screaming. He screamed and screamed and screamed. Absolutely NOTHING made him happy. I tried his favorite snack, favorite toy, favorite tv show. I tried signing songs with him, reading a book, playing duplos. Nothing. He was having no part of any of it. And the whole time I had my mom (who happens to live with us) standing over me asking: "Why is he crying? What do you mean you don't know?" Maybe it's because he is 17 months old. Technically still considered a baby. And sometimes they cry. He's entitled to his bad days too. Lord knows I have mine! Sometimes I wish I was 17 months old and could just let it all out by screaming!
Monday, November 15, 2010
My 2 Little Wonders
My name is Amy and I am a mom. I never thought I would say those words. But I am. I have 2 little wonders: Parker, 17 months and Teagan, 3 months. Yes, they are close together. Yes, it was on purpose. Yes, it is hard. But they are the most wonderful thing to ever happen to me. Some days I wonder what I was thinking having 2 so close together. There are moments when it seems like I will never escape the piles of laundry, dishes in the sink, toys on the floor. And then one of my little ones does something irresistibly cute and I forget I ever doubted myself. My plan in life ws to be a career woman. I didn't want kids. I wasn't going to get married until at least 30. Well, life has a way of changing your mind. I met my husband when I was 20 and we married when I was 24. We didn't want kids - not for a long time. And when the time came that we finally decided to take that leap, we were met with disappointment. Long story short, I had a series of miscarriages. In February of 2008 I was told that I most likely would not be able to have children due to a chromosonal abnormality. We were also told we shouldn't even try because I was building up too much scar tissue. On September 4, 2008, my husband and I were celebrating our 10 year wedding anniversary. We made love. We didn't use protection or precautions because it took over a year for me to get pregnant the last time. So what were the chances? Turns out that was the day that we conceived my beautiful little boy Parker. After Parker's birth, we were told that our best chance for another successful pregnancy would be to try again right awat. And poof - 4 months later Teagan was conceived.
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