(let me preface this by saying I am not writing this to start a political or religious debate. I am simply sharing my own experience and how it has affected me)
I was 19 years old. I had been clean & sober for maybe 5 or 6 months. I was living on my own. I felt very alone. My decisions up to that point in my life had not been the greatest. But I was trying. I was trying to get my life on track. To pull it back together.
Then "it" happened. I knew I was pregnant almost immediately. I was dizzy and light headed every morning. I was hungry and tired all the time. I took a pregnancy test and my worst fear was confirmed. The father? Well, he was a one night thing. The ONLY one night thing I've ever had in my whole life. When I called and told him, his response was "Why are you telling me?". So here I was, barely able to function on a day to day basis, about to bring a life into this world? I was stunned. I was numb. I didn't know what to do. I had nowhere to turn. I told my mom hoping she would provide some sort of support or guidance. But much to my disappointment, she just said "Let me know what you decide." That was it. I knew I was in no position to raise a child. I was renting a room. I barely had a job. I had little support from my family. The only person I had to talk to was my boss. She was British, very kind but very frank. She told me I should go to Planned Parenthood. So that's what I did.
I took a bus (I didn't have a car). I walked inside, signed my name on the check in sheet, and waited. For what I wasn't sure. I remember them calling my name. I peed in a cup so they could confirm I was pregnant. They called me into a small office. A woman sat behind a desk and she asked me if I had thought about what I wanted to do. I explained my situation to her and she handed me 2 pamphlets: one titled "Abortion: It's Your Choice" and "Adoption: A Different Road". She instructed me to read them and then get back in contact with her when I had made a decision. And that was it.
I look back at that time in my life now and realized how uninformed I was. I had 2 little pamphlets that I was supposed to base the biggest decision so far in my life on. I cried. I cried every day and every night. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. I was terrified. Nobody even told me to see a doctor. I never had a prenatal visit. Maybe things would have been different if I had. My choice may have been different if I had know that baby already had a heartbeat. My choice may have been different if I had known that those soft little flutterings I felt were actually the baby moving. My choice may have been different if I felt like I had a choice.
But I made my decision. The best and only one I felt I could make at the time. I was approximately 14-16 weeks along. My mom agreed to drive me and pick me up, since I was told there would be pain afterwards. She dropped me off in front and left me to deal with it by myself. I slowly walked up to the from of that Planned Parenthood building. I remember the protesters. I remember them yelling at me. "Whore!" "Slut!" "Murderer!" I walked in, head hung low.
I checked in and waited for them to call my name. I don't remember much after that, even though I was awake through the whole thing. I do remember tears silently rolling down my cheeks the whole time. I remember being taken to the recovery room with about 4 or 5 other girls. A nurse came in. She leaned in to me and asked "Do you want to know what it was?" I couldn't catch my breath - I just nodded. "It was a girl", and she walked away. A girl. Was. What had I done? All of a sudden it felt like the world caved in on me. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't open my eyes. I felt like I couldn't live. I just lay there in the recovery room praying it was a bad dream and I would wake up. But after an hour or so, a nurse tapped my shoulder and told me I could go. I gathered myself together and headed outside. I waited on a bench for my mom to pick me up. We said nothing on the ride home. As a matter of fact, my mom has never talked to me about it - to this day.
Time went by. Life went on. But that day never left me. She never left me. I have thought of her often. Wondered what she would look like now. Would she have had my hair? Or my eyes? How old she would be.
Years passed and I married. We tried to have children. We tried. And I lost them. Five times I lost them. Miscarriages. It was heart breaking. My head told me this was my punishment. Punishment for what I had done when I was 19. An insensitive person who knew about it even said "You don't deserve to have children. This is God's way of stopping you". And my faith was lost. Doctors told me I couldn't have children. And deep inside I felt I knew why. I did this to myself. I was being punished. I deserved this.
But as you know, in September of 2008, I became pregnant. And for some reason, it stuck. There was a yolk sac. There was a heart beat. There was a real viable pregnancy. And nine months later, we welcomed our baby boy Parker. Just over a year later, we welcomed a baby girl, Teagan.
I feel so lucky to have 2 beautiful children. But I never forget that one. The one I chose not to have. The one I chose to not let live. I made that decision. I didn't even give her a choice. My heart breaks when I think about it now. Now that I know exactly what I gave up. Now that I know what I missed. I have asked her to forgive me. I have tried to forgive myself. But it's never left me. I don't think it ever will.
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